The comfort zone

The truth is I never like to speak in the public. I prefer small groups where idea exchange and information sharing is easier. Since I join the Toastmasters, I begin to feel comfortable speaking to different people at different occasion.

Five years ago when I joined UM Toastmasters, my comfort zone was the piece of chair which I was seated until president Kimmy pushed me to do my ice breaker speech.

Three years later after I have done 10 speeches, I was no longer a seated person in the room, juggling with multiple roles, smiling wide as I was no longer the shy girl. One of the important lessons learnt from K. Logandran, to become a real learner, you need to put your ego aside.

Two years ago, I actively participated in other Toastmasters Club activities, club contests, as test speaker, being evaluated openly. Soon I realised that I no longer fear of making mistakes. Yes, the reason why I fear of public speaking is the fear of looking bad in front of the public. K. Logandran's word replays everytime I speak.

Now, I can easily give a 5 minutes speech of the cuff. When HYLI called me to present a toast for the upcoming send off dinner, I said 'yes' without thinking twice. I mean why waste time thinking over something which you will do in the end, i.e. if you feeling like farting now, why wait till tomorrow.

I would say it is my first time to give a toast, moreover in front of VIPs, reporters and many professionals. So I'm all prepared to give my first public speech outside my Toastmasters zone. A new comfort zone to discover.

OK, just do it, then freak out later. 

Demokrasi dikebumikan, rakyat diperbodohkan

My first exposure to political awareness was during my teenage. The documentary about Margaret Thatcher's dictatorship, started Falkland war just to remain in power.

Malaysia's dictatorship is even worse. Be fooling it's own people, sold itself to the foreigners. Mahathir and Najib are 10 times worse than Margaret. No, 100 times. At least Margaret never take on her people.
Frankly speaking, no one would blame Najib for the deed of his father, IF he played fair. His father is the demon that instill hatred among us, the Malaysians, he is indifferent, another demon who buried our desire for unity and betterment.

Never belittle the intelligence of your people. The fight has just begun.
Genggam bara api biar sampai jadi ABU!
我们追求民主的渴望，远胜你那肮脏的手段。

When darkness could be the new bright.

The law of attraction is similar to the principles that I've holding for years.
It's kinda scary when your thoughts lead to your most desired.

At once, things that are seemed to be so firm disappear.

When I start to forget, it comes back to me.
I wonder what else awaits me.
The path seems so uncertain but I knew it's my desire.

When I want to give up, it gives me hope.
I anticipate what's installed for me.
The light seems so dim but it's not complete darkness yet.

I wish to stop thinking about it.
I just don't know how to give up.

I wish I can be a little less tough
Or pretend to be weak.
So it will stop.

Once again, I'm lost in the sea of uncertainty.
Please stop, please stop.

Fear

I have been fearless

occasionally nervous during competition.

Sometimes I want to know, what am I really fear of.

I finally registered for my first marathon. Although I have ran more than 20 road races, 80% of my races were 800m or less. I was restless these few days and I finally know one of my fear.

I am fear of things I've never done. I am fear of not being able to complete what I have started. Yes, I am so scared if anything is going to happen on 30 June 2013.

Although I know I will pretend that I am tough enough and I will say, "I am fine", I am really scared. I think if I can choose between running a full marathon or death, I'd choose to die.

At least what I can do right now is to prepare for it, train as hard as I think it is needed.

Hopefully by that time, I will be ready to face my fear.

End of idiots' world.

Only idiots believe that the world is going to end tomorrow. And I am such an idiot my whole life.

To believe that everyday is my last day, to believe that everytime is my last time. I'm so glad that I never hesitate in those decision I've made. It's hard to decide what I want for myself sometimes but I know once I've decided I should never hold back. Holding back only slows me down, losses more opportunity to grow and narrows down my horizon.

My life is simple. Think, decide and do, and that has made me who I am today. I always think people are indifferent, equally talented, some live on without knowing what they are good at, some live expanding their strength, I am the kind of person who is in the middle. At least I know my strength and weakness, I tend to ignore. Ignorance is the worst attitude. Those who are ignorant will regret at world's end, those who are not enjoy living in every second.

If this idiot is to die tomorrow, it has scored a few 100 mark in exams, broken a few track records and made a few people happy. Shut up, wake up and move on, life shouldn't be drown by pessimism.

At least, the life is not wasted. Hey, the world isn't going to end, it's going to get better, I have lots more to do, although I have no regrets, I want to see how far I can go after my dreams.

Stock Market

How would I describe a person who has just entered the working world?

I don't know anything about stock market price until I started working. The philosophy is pretty applicable.

Say, you are a new stock. You haven't show your ability so you have no value. But don't forget that you are an ever-rising stock.

So the most important thing when you are new is NOT about letting the market to value you, you need to create your own value.

When I enter the university, I spent my first year building my reputation in my college, second year and third year I aimed for more and finally, I earned more than expected.

It's not necessary to do what I have learnt, learning from what I am doing is more crucial. Soon again, I will be able to join these small pieces of puzzle, there are lots more to learn.

It's the same, it's just that, 'I have to start all over again'. But as I always say, 'I am ready'.

没有遗憾的四年

刚刚步入象牙塔时，只觉得周围只有没了象牙的白象。自己与马大预科班生住在同一间宿舍，每当看到他们一起上课，一起放学时，心中有些不平衡。为什么自己努力奋斗，还要看到这些人。唉，没有奖学金，也得不到预科班的我，只能在中六苦读，好不容易考入马大。虽然第一选择是化学工程，自己却得了第七选择。难道我在学术运动的努力还比不上别人，老天对我的考验还不够吗？

初次见到系友，得知多数系友都是中六毕业的，就安慰自己，至少老天不是在考验我一人。我应该要相信自己能够改变未来，至少把一等文凭作为自己步入大学的第一个目标吧。我是个爱做梦，不思考，少说话，不读书的孩子，要一等文凭就要读书。花了约一个学期，终于找到自己的读书方法。一个星期内要应付六七科科目，所以读到80%就够了，最重要是熟悉历年考题。我变成一个爱做梦，不思考，少说话，会读书的孩子。嗯，不该说会读书，而是会考试。

刚入大学的时候，自己为了认识更多人而参加了许多活动。还算幸运，学业还能兼顾，虽然有点累，不过是值得的。因为认识人多，互相关照也不错。只是不明白为什么大学总是灌输着‘Senior高高在上’的观念，所以自己也没有兴趣担任那些听起来很威水的职位。大学生活本该人人平等，无忧无虑的，没有两者，也要自由自在， 反正就是我爽就好。

进了大学，什么没认真，要说认真嘛，那就是Toastmasters International 了。还有每当向人家提起‘土司大师’， 都会被人误解，自己也懒得解释，不需理会人家的讥讽，至少自己已经变得更有自信，更敢说话了。被推上当主席，多少也要拿出点实力，哪怕自己就只有一点点的领导才能。

要改变就要勇敢踏出第一步，自己看到大学网站宣传着Hitachi的社会福利活动时，考虑许久后才决定申请。心想自己还有些实力，反正不太有机会中选。其实当时还有些顾虑，因为HYLI落在大考时期，需要补考。经过两轮的面试及言论发表会，自己竟然获得国贸部秘书长的赏识，她还偷偷地告诉我，是我的人生经历感动了她。回到大学后，自己为了处理补考而烦恼了很久，感叹为何马大完全不为我的付出感到光荣。虽然过程有点坎坷，但一切都是值得的。在讲师的鼓励下，我鼓起勇气向越南出发。真是不虚此行，虽然多少影响了学术积分，但是积分又不能当饭吃。我认识了很多位很有理想，很有干劲的朋友，每当看到他们对生活的积极，自己也会更努力，不让马来西亚代表抛在后头。

曾以为自己已经不能跑了，我的脚仿佛在提醒我--巅峰已过，极限已到。我选择相信自己，改善技巧，并克服了右膝每次作痛的问题。后来马大选择了我这个过期货，还让我认识了一班了不起的运动员。虽然每次比赛都有所斩获，但是还是无法战胜国手的实力。其实每个运动员的背后都流入着一样的辛酸，我们都知道，一切都是努力的成果，没有天分只是懒惰的借口。

毕业典礼，就这样过了。对我来说，大学，不会给你任何东西，你要自己去寻找你的价值。我的毕业典礼，不是我一个人的，而是每一位给予我力量的人。